Professor Mother Blog

Let the new Mommy Wars begin.  There’s a new Mother out there who is also a Professor- and she’s got me thinking…

A quick background: Amy Chua, a Yale law professor, writes about her version of “Chinese mothering” with an overwhelming focus on excellence and performance- that produces results.  Her book, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother“, has raised all kinds of conflicting issues with me.  Issues that tug and pull at my own beliefs, my own hopes, my own dreams for my children- and tug and pull at what I want to teach teachers.

In a recent essay from her book that was published in the Wall Street Journal, she states, quite clearly, with no apologies for Western cultural sensitivities:

Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:

• attend a sleepover
• have a playdate
• be in a school play
• complain about not being in a school play
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin

This list continues and is expounded upon- even to extremes that she acknowledges might seem almost (her phrase) “legally actionable”, but are justified by the results- as she claims in her title “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior“.  A wee bit arrogant, that title.

Culturally, I was horrified to read this.  As a mother of children with differences, I was angered.  As someone with degrees in special education, I was appalled.  As someone with bright, talented children and someone with degrees in gifted education, I… can see some of her points.  It makes for a very schizophrenic conversation filled with lots of “yes, but’s” in my own head.  I wish that the response could be clear-cut, but it just can’t be- for me, for our educational system, and even for our culture.

Part of me is horrified.  All children can’t be #1- it’s statistically impossible, much less reasonable.  Even children who are #347, or who are #2, 435 in a school of 2,435 have value.  EVERYONE has value as a human being- and to demand accolades and awards to prove their value is demeaning to everyone. 

In addition, her dictates fly in the face of what I call “a happy child/a balanced child/a mentally healthy child”.  Limiting social interaction?  Providing no choices?  How on earth can you expect an adult who is socialy adept and a critical thinker if they have not been taught how to interact with others or to make choices for themselves?  How can you find a child’s talents and interests and develop those if you dictate to a child what they are to do with every minute of their day?  How can they become their own person? 

And how on earth can they handle failure- because with life comes failure- if they take it terribly, terribly personally?  In fact, she herself says that “‘The solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child“.  I can see why suicide is the highest in this country among Asian-American women aged 15-24.  Who among us hasn’t disappointed our parents in some respect- and felt bad about it?  I could not live with the knowledge that I had shamed my children, literally, to death.  

And by those values, I reflect my Western definition of “happiness” and my Western “Panda” mothering style that values my children’s desires.  My Western cultural values are clear that children have a voice in their own upbringing and education.  Clearly, Chinese cultural values are supremely self-confident in their parenting decisions- and arrogance (loaded cultural word choice) appears to be a means of achieving what you want.  You say “focused and confident”, I say “arrogant”.

But… buried in all of the diatribe and cultural differences, she does make some very solid points.  The reality is that Singapore and China are far ahead of us in math and science scores- and in some measures, even written English.  The cultural emphasis on hard work in academic subjects has direct economic consequences for our country- we are floundering in a system where the middle class is shrinking, the rate of poverty is increasing, and the few who are rich are getting richer.  Companies- global enterprises-are often getting richer by shipping jobs to… China.  Their economy has grown.  Ours has grown… but on whose backs?  I don’t know about your community, but we remained mired in 10% unemployment, tremendous state deficits and budget cuts.  People with money may be spending it, but China is reaping those benefits. 

A friend of mine is in the Ministry of Education in Singapore, and she says that they take very seriously the concept that minds are their best- and only- national resource.  Singapore is a city-country that sits on an island.  They must pour as much effort as they can into their schooling, because the creation of mind-power is their only option. 

And they do this through lots and lots of hard work.  Their students go to school six days a week.  Teachers are revered, and are given 1/2 days of teaching duties, and 1/2 days to plan and to educate themselves further in the subject matter they are teaching.  Parents are respected and there is no concept of the “well-rounded” child.  Their idea of “happiness” comes from achievement- from getting to the next level.  Happiness =  growth- and if you beat someone else, well, that makes it sweeter.  But my friend says that the greatest competitor is themselves- and they are happiest when they have beaten their own records. 

All of this is particularly relevant to me today.  Today, my daughter came home with a score of 100 on her math benchmark.  This means that she has learned everything there is to learn in 4th grade.

There are two facts that are problematic about this:

1. First, the fact that I am nervous about telling anyone because I don’t want to be seen as a “show off”.  I don’t want to be faced with the label of “pushy mom” or “bragging”.  I can expect people to say “You think THAT’S a problem?!  You should see MY problems!”  But the reality is that this is a problem. 
2. Because the second fact is that the school district- and now my daughter- are very happy to let her coast until September, where she can begin again.  Sure, they might throw her an “advanced” problem every now and then, but she met the benchmark- their job is done.  From now until September, 9 months from now, she will not receive what comes next in her learning.  I will be considered “pushy” if I ask for what she needs in order to continue to grow.  Her need for learning will not be considered an educational ”need” because she’s met the minimum. 

And what does she learn?  She learns that school is easy- and will be unprepared for life when it is not.  She will learn that when you have done what is expected, you can stop- rather than continuing to work to the next level.  And life… life does not stop for you because you have met a minimum.  And more dishearteningly, she will learn to work less than children with disabilities with whom I work with who are working their tails off to complete their work.  The greatest irony is that she already works so hard to function through her language challenges with autism- she analyzes those incomprehensible 4th grade social interactions, and math is her “easy” comfort area.  I want her to continue to play with what comes next- not stop and wait. 

We know this in sports- a very American cultural value.  You can see children, who are not practicing reading, practicing their hoop shots.  They practice throwing the football.  We seem to understand that in order to achieve excellence with the body, you have to provide the body experiences.  We call it “playing” football, or basketball or baseball.  But the mind…?  Here in America, we’re less comfortable with exercise of the mind.  Parents who take their children to enrichment activities are “pushing” their child.  Parents who ask for “more” (which isn’t more, but is the same amount of struggle we’re asking of other students), are perceived as “pushy”.  Asking for more math is “work”, not ”play”.   Tigers push- Panda… well, pandas enjoy.

There is a cost for both Tiger and Panda mothering; costs that are defined in terms of economics, personal satisfaction, achievement, and even lives.  Interestingly enough, both tigers and pandas are endangered animals: tigers, in part, because of the size of their ambition and hunting ranges that are being restricted, and pandas, in part, because of their desire for bamboo- and only the comforts of bamboo- for nutrition.  One’s desires are too large- and the other’s too small. 

The solution, of course- if there is one-  is balance, but is balance possible?  We have to teach our children that excellence requires hard work- a lot of hard work.  And that you can enjoy the process of work- and that enjoyment is a goal as well.  I want to teach children- and the grownups teaching them- that one person’s success does not take away from another’s; that the best win is the one in which you beat yourself- that happiness comes from growth.   I am also  Western enough to believe in self-determinism- that it’s important that children learn to control their own lives.  I only hope that there will be rewarding, well-paying jobs for my individualistic, self-determined children.

So, here is my list for my children:

Here are some things my children, Elizabeth and Ray, are sometimes allowed to do:

• attend a sleepover
• have a playdate
• be in a school play
• complain about not being in a school play
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• ….
• fail
• dust themselves off, get back up and try it again.

Here are some things my children, Elizabeth and Ray, are always required to do:

• Try more than they think they can
• Do more than they want to
• Understand that there is enough succcess for everyone

And so I will tap my inner Tiger Mother, and I am going to go down to the school to ask for more advanced work and I am going to check out the EPGY online math program- and I’m going to do so for my inner Panda mother because I want  my child to learn the value-and the enjoyment- of working with what comes next. 

I know you’ve heard it a thousand times before. But it’s true — hard work pays off. If you want to be good, you have to practice, practice, practice. If you don’t love something, then don’t do it.
Ray Bradbury