Professor Mother Blog

Getting Back in the Water

From: Claire E. Hughes-Lynch, Ph.D.

To: Autism Science Foundation

January 17, 2012

I am a translator. Not of languages, but of viewpoints. Any autism information that I ever encounter is filtered through two lenses- my role as a parent of two children on the autism spectrum and as a professor of special education. I am always looking for information to share with other parents, but also, to share with teachers- both special education and general education. When I first began researching autism as a desperate parent, I soon found that there were parent voices, and there were scientist voices, and there were educator voices. My knowledge as a “teacher of teachers” with a Ph.D. in education meant that I was very able to translate from one perspective to another. I have a blog www.professormother.com that captures this dual role of mine and it has led me to write two books “Children with High Functioning Autism: A Parents’ Guide”, and “Teaching Children With High-Functioning Autism: Strategies for the Inclusive Classroom”. I have presented to parent groups and to teacher groups and to autism researchers the differing perspectives, needs and concerns of each group. I am a translator.

I am hoping to go to the International Meeting for Autism Research (IMFAR) as a parent, and as a special education professor. I have several goals that I hope to meet through this meeting.

1) Acquire information that I can share with parents. As a blogger, as a speaker, and as an author, I try to have the latest information available to share. I view information as leading us in a direction for decision-making– not necessarily a straight line, but a process of fits and starts. It is through science that we can “test” information. Parents are always looking forward, whereas science is looking backwards and making sense of the stories. I want to hear about the information that can help parents continue to look forward continue to make good decisions. There is so much misinformation out there, it is important that the “good” information be shared as much as possible and the various dialogues be presented. In order to do this, I need good data.

2) Acquire information to share with teachers. I work directly with beginning teachers in Georgia and present to experienced teachers around the country. In all cases, their lack of understanding and awareness of the diverse needs of children with autism is stunning. There are “stories” that are shared, but little information that takes the situation of the present-day classroom into consideration. I attempt to share the perspectives of parents and students, and to share what tested and effective strategies are out there and what are some promising new directions. In order to do this, I need good data.

3) Acquire information to begin my own research agenda. I have been so busy being an “autism mommy” and presenting to teachers, that I have had little to contribute to the scholarly community myself. I have studied and presented on what factors impact the satisfaction of the IEP process of parents, but I would like to really begin to determine effective intervention practices that are based on good scientific data. I have begun some preliminary work into the study of the management of anxiety and have begun searching for grants, but such attempts are in their infancy. In order to do this, I need good data.

4) Acquire information to help my husband, my family, and myself. Lastly, and certainly not least, my own children are pre-teens, and heading into adolescence. While I can talk to parents of newly-diagnosed children, I am at a loss about issues that are upcoming in my own children. I want to be able to chart a path for myself and others who are looking at how autism impacts the life span– fancy words for “How the heck do we navigate middle school, high school and adulthood, when it feels like we just barely navigated through the first 10 years?” In order to do this, I need good data.

As you can see, autism is very personal to me on so many levels. I firmly believe that as different groups- scientists, teachers, and parents- dialogue, we will find connections between strands of research and viewpoints that allow us to make good decisions, and enables people with autism to function in a society that understands and respects everyone. I have begun contributing – but In order to go on, I need good data.

Claire

Claire E. Hughes-Lynch, Ph.D.

College of Coastal Georgia (www.ccga.edu)

Parent, Professor, Part-time Blogger

All right- I’ll admit it.  It’s all because of Oprah.

• Live Your Best Life
• My Favorite Things
• My Greatest Lessons
• What we dwell on is who we become
• Aha moment
• The bitter comes with the sweet
• Dwell in possibility…

It’s been a rough few months- too much

• Work
• 4th grade
• Tourette’s
• Autism
• ADHD
• Failures

Not enough

• Time
• Money
• Grants
• Travel
• Energy
• Health
• Wins

I’ve put my head down, made lists, went from moment to moment, and have not exercised enough.  I have not reached out.  I have not processed.  Depression?  Probably.  Stress?  Absolutely?  Existential crisis?  (That is another post altogether).  Oh yes.  Midlife crisis?  Maybe.

No “big deal”- just a lot of Pirahna Bites.  There have been better times in my life.  There have also been a lot of worse times.

But I had to watch the show today- as I folded laundry and as I graded yet another online assignment.  I saw the last M*A*S*H, the last Johnny Carson, the last Hannah Montana- and now, the last Oprah. The end of Oprah is a moment- I remember when she started.  I had to see her end.  I’ve been cheered up, rolled my eyes, and seen a cultural touchpoint.    It is because of Oprah that we can discuss so many things that were “shh” concepts- things that were hushed up in previous generations and are now brought out into the open. Trite?  Maybe.  Overdone at times?  Yes. But her infallible sensitivity in the face of so many issues broke so many boundaries.  I can probably say that it is because of Oprah that I can admit to my anxieties as a parent, as a wife, as a woman.

Live your Best Life.

My best life involves my reaching out to others, to translating, to processing- to thinking on a page.  My best life involves my Spirit, my Health, and my writing.  My best life involves me writing.  My best life involves me thinking.  My Best Life involves living it.

I was also just nominated as my College’s nominee for the State Excellence in Teaching Award- similar to winning Teacher of the Year for the College.  While that is seriously cool, I realized as I wrote up my teaching philosophy today that I needed to LIVE my philosophy more- better- truly.

And then there was Oprah.

And so I’m writing again.  I’m thinking again.  And I’m off to yoga now.

This is me setting out to live my best life- one blog post, one yoga session, one hug at a time.

Thanks, Oprah.

My daughter and I just watched the very last “Hannah Montana Forever” together.  I guess it wasn’t so “forever” after all.

She was really quite upset about it.  Hannah Montana has been an element of her school culture since, well, forever.  Hannah Montana, as most parents of girls of a certain age all know, started 4 years ago in 2006- and as almost everyone knows, was an instant cultural hit.  Elizabeth went to Hannah Montana birthday parties, she was given the Barbie doll, she’s seen the movies, she sang the songs…  Because of Hannah Montana, Elizabeth wants to be a glamorous singer who gets to stay home and have the bestest friends ever.  Since Elizabeth is in 4th grade, Hannah has been a fashion, cultural role model for literally her whole school life.

My daughter is a kid who looks for formulas- who knows that if she does A, then B is going to happen.  She has watched Hannah, and just knows if she adopts her mannerisms, her accents, her fashion, her attitude, that she would have a fabulous life- complete with friends, money and great clothes. Hannah=happiness in my daughter’s eyes.

Needless to say, I have curtailed much of the Hannah watching.  She was allowed to watch the new episode of Hannah every week, but after a disasterous summer week of unsupervised television watching where she watched nuthin’-but Hannah for three days, and was a walkin’ talkin’ Tennessee string of attitude, Hannah got relegated to Sunday nights.

Hannah has always set up conflicting feelings in me.  On the one hand, I know how important it is to kids to understand the cultural touchpoints of their peers.  I learned about Dukes of Hazzard and Wonder Woman when I was growing up- even without a television.  Her message of “Girl Power” was one that I could see as a positive message.  But I hated how Hannah dictated how it was “cute” to talk back to adults, how her flip attitude made even rudeness acceptable and important things trivial, and how “friendship” was the end-all and be-all goal.  Along with a really cute hairstyle.  I’m certainly not the first to worry about Hannah’s effect on little girls.  You can read other’s comments here and here and here…

And while I am not in charge of what culturally happens, I am in control of what happens on our television- so Miley/Hannah got relegated to Sunday nights- and because of this, Elizabeth sometimes even missed the show because she was busy with- well, her real life.

But, this past Sunday night, Emily was off-again, in their lightbulb friendship, and Mary Margaret, a new friend that Elizabeth’s been hanging out with, was unavailable, so… I filled in.  When moments such as the ending of Forever comes, it’s important to share them.   (Remember the end of MASH?  Dynasty? Happy Days?- I watched all of them in a group).

The show made for some really substantial conversation with Elizabeth… until the very end.  For those of you who don’t have tween-aged girls, Miley was going to go to Stanford (oh, really?!  I’m thinking that the chances of Miley Cyrus getting in Stanford are… not high) with her bestest friend Lily.  But along came a movie offer with Steven Spielberg and Tom Cruise (oh really?!- I’m thinking that the chances of Miley Cyrus working with Spielberg are… not high) in Paris.  So, Lily was going to follow her to Paris, until Lily realized that the movie career was Miley’s dream, not hers, so she headed back to Stanford.

All of this led to a wonderful conversation between me and Elizabeth about how in life, your goal is to discover your dream and your talents and to pursue your own abilities- and how being a young adult is such an exciting time to discover what you’re good at.  Find what you love and work really hard at it.  This message was reinforced by Jackson, Miley’s brother, finally getting a job at something he was good at- testing video games (oh really!?) and he was working through dinner.

It was a good show.  I enjoyed the message, the music… everything.  Until the very end… when.. Miley gave up her dream to go back to Stanford to go to college with her bestest friend ever.

Young adulthood is where you stop defining yourself by your friends and start defining yourself by you.  It’s the short time in your life where you are not under the constraints of your family and not yet under the responsibilities of your own family.  It’s where you get to spread your wings and discover who you are in new settings, in new places, with new people.  It’s where you get to find out what you’re not good at, what you don’t want to do.  It’s where you get to fail with far fewer repercussions.  It’s where you get to pick yourself up and go there- wherever there is for you.  I was so disappointed that the show still didn’t let Miley become a young adult.  I’m not sure why I was surprised.

One of the things about today’s “kid shows” that concerns me are the lack of grownups.  Grownups may be around, but they’re just comic foils for the cute things kids have to say or to ruin the fun.  In “Good Luck, Charlie”, the teenage girl is the one imparting advice to the baby.  In “Sunny with a Chance” and in “Suite Life on Deck”, there aren’t even any parents at all- just a few inept teachers.  While I realize that this is children’t fantasy, there are no role models to show kids how to be an adult.  My shows, I just had to watch- they were fantasy grownups- Charlie’s Angels, Wonder Woman, and heck, even Three’s Company.  While I’m not sure that Jack Tripper was a great role model, I learned that adults have fun, adults have responsibilities, and adults have great hair styles (Farrah Fawcett flip, anyone?).  All I wanted to be was an adult.  Elizabeth’s generation?  All they want to do is stay in high school.

And so, Elizabeth’s cultural icon of her time- her Wonder Woman, her New Kids on the Block, her Beatles- has ended.  I got off the couch and asked Elizabeth “So… that’s it, then.  What on earth will you watch now?”

With no pause at all, Elizabeth said “Wizards of Waverly Place!  They have a special movie in two weeks on Friday night!  Can we watch that together, too?”  And the fashions and phrasings of Selena Gomez start filling the void.

How quickly icons are replaced.  I’m guessing that it will take a few years before Elizabeth can appreciate the transient nature of fashion.  I’m also betting that it’s just a few years until she starts feeling nostalgic- the same feelings I get for Cabbage Patch Kids and disco.  When she realizes how quickly “forever” can change.

These are the cultural touchpoints that define a generation- those things that everyone of this age can relate to.  It’s these media moments that define how kids talk (like… totally!), what they wear (leggings and headbands, anyone?), and how their hair looks (feathered bangs- I’m just sayin’).

But I can see clearly that it’s my job to teach her how to be a grownup.  Miley sure didn’t.  And I’m not sure where Selena is headed….

**********

So I’m moving on/ Letting go/ Holding on to tomorrow
I’ve always got the memories while I’m finding out who I’m gonna be
We might be apart but I hope you always know/You’ll be with me wherever I go
Wherever I go- Miley Cyrus on Hannah Montana

Last week?… two weeks ago?  In the relatively recent past- most of which is blurred by the holiday rush and the constant awareness/tiredness that comes with being with the children 24/7- Mamafog nominated me for an award.  A “Stylish” Award!  I was honored, humbled and amused.  It’s my first (hopefully, not the last!) award my blog has “won”.  I particularly like the egalitarian “pass it forward” aspect of the award.  Of course, I should have done this last week, two weeks ago… in the past.  Just pretend that I’m Renee Zellweger and I was in the bathroom…

The “rules” of the Award are that I’m to share 7 things about myself and then “pass it forward” to three other blogs that I nominate.  And so…

1. I grew up without running water and electricity until I was six years old, and even then, I never had a television or telephone until I was 14.  My parents were “back to the land” folks who were determined to live a self-sufficient life… I, myself, prefer life with a dishwasher and wireless access, so you can see that it didn’t really stick.  Self-sufficiency, though… it’s still a good thing. 
2. I am a secret British royal family fan.  I can tell  you almost every king and queen since 1066 with William the Conqueror, right through the War of the Roses, the flip-flopping with William of Orange, and the abdication of Edward.  I had the princess bug pretty badly as a child.
3. Along with England’s history,  I’m a fan of their literature.  I love me a good Agatha Christie, Jane Austen and King Arthur legend.  My mother made me memorize poetry as a child back before “home schooling” was a real concept- but the only one I still remember is Wordsworth’s poem “Daffodils”.
4. I never met an ice cream I didn’t like.  The ones with texture are the best- give me some nuts and coconut and chocolate chunks and I’m a fan.  Even the kid-friendly flavors like bubblegum and Spongebob are good. 
5. When Elizabeth was born, I did a family tree because I was curious where she came from.  I can trace both my father and mother’s families back to around 1400 through various lines- which sounds impressive- and there is not a single king, president, or anyone of note in the whole tree.  We were all teachers and ministers and lawyers.  Clearly, the “talking gene” is pretty strong.  The only “famous” connection I can make is a very distant cousin of Justin Timberlake and a cousin of Anne Boleyn. 
6. My dream car is a butter yellow Volkswagen convertible with a black top.  Daisy flower light covers optional, but I wouldn’t turn them down.
7. I know that you can order a “secret” egg burrito from Milton’s Diner that is not on the menu at 3:00am from the days in my 20′s when I was a “woo woo” girl backup dancer for several bands that my boyfriend was in.  I would dance with my girlfriends and get everyone else dancing.  Music- a good beat- and I’m lost. 

That’s not all of me- there are my roles, there are my jobs, there are the places I’ve lived.  But this list… that’s me. 

And so I pass on this award!  I nominate four (the rules say three, but these four I read all the time) of my favorite blogs that I encourage you to read… for the Stylish Bloggers Award!

• Diary of a Mom: http://adiaryofamom.wordpress.com/
• Elvis Sightings http://elvis-sightings.blogspot.com/
• UnOther One http://www.unotherone.blogspot.com/
• Autism Mommy Therapist: http://autismmommytherapist.wordpress.com/

Thanks, Mamafog!

See?!  I’m not the only one!  Apparently, Arianna Huffington, no slouch herself, discusses the power of more sleep in her recent TED Talk.  She says I’ll get more done the more I sleep…

Which, 4 days into 2011, is in jeopardy.  Monday morning was the beginning of school again after the break.  Ray, unable to even voice his anxiety, just rocked himself when I tucked him into bed.  We went through the whole 45 minutes, 37 steps that it takes (teeth brushed, pajamas, Bee pillow pet is placed just so, Penguin Pillow pet is placed to the right of him, the Daddy pillow is underneath it all, “House Hunters” is on silent on the TV in the living room that he can see, three kisses on the cheeks and the chin, air kisses, clap of hands to receive them, snuggle for 10 minutes…).  But I could see in his rigid body and his lack of words that he was anxious.  Frozen.  And he loves school.  sigh…

So, at 9:30, he came into my room for another hug- 30 minutes after tuck-in.  He came back at 11:00.  And yet again, at 1:30.  When, at 2:30, he was back again, I let him into my bed, too tired to fight it.  He then fell into a deeper sleep- and proceeded to kick.  I woke up at 6:00 tired- again. 

I can feel myself splintered today- tired, needing some quiet time to knit back together.  Which WILL NOT be after 10:00 tonight… I hope.

I decided this year to crumble under the children’s pressure to host a preteen Georgia/Florida football party.  Most of their friends were with their parents or in Jacksonville watching the game- but we rounded up the stragglers for about 6 kids at our house.  I pulled out my platter- my old battered, whie china platter to put the “Football Food” of cheese dip and pastrami dip along with the “local” food of peanuts for Georgia, mandarin oranges for Florida and chips with peach salsa for being in the South.  It was quite a spread.  Seeing that platter, though… that platter took me back.

I use the platter for every major holiday- the season that we’re careening into right now.  I bring it out for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and the Super Bowl.  I brought it out for my wedding.  It’s been around.  But it’s also followed me from place to place and I reflected on what I’ve placed on that old battered platter. 

I have been very fortunate to experience a number of local traditions in different places- and all of them involve inviting people over for food and celebration and pulling out the platter.  In Louisville, I put Benedictine dip, sandwiches with Henry Bain sauce, and mint juleps on the platter for the Kentucky Derby.  In Santa Fe, I pulled out the tamales, margaritas, and salsa again for the Santa Fe Fiestas.  In Albuquerque, I made a balloon cake for Glow-deo at the International Balloon Fiesta.  In Indiana, PA, I brought out the platter for more football food for Homecoming.  In Williamsburg, I made fruit arrangments for the Grand Illumination.  In Rhode Island, I had our own version of Chowda Festival.  And now here in Georgia, I’m bringing it out for the Georgia/Florida football game madness that is an annual tradition down here.  The platter has seen it all, served it all, and reflected the local culture and traditions of where we are. 

I’ll be reflecting on family traditions at some point during this holiday season- traditions are very important to me and mine.  Traditions hold us together; traditions give us something to hold onto.  Traditions are how we deal with the overwhelming anxiety.  The places may change, the houses may change, and jobs may change, but the traditions remain. 

It was amusing to me to realize this past Saturday, that not only do we have the typical traditions of the holidays, but we embrace the traditions of the places we are.. while holding onto the traditions of the family.  Some of the traditions follow us- the Kentucky Derby is celebrated at our house, no matter where we are.  I serve Mexican food the weekend after Labor Day during Santa Fe Fiestas, even though no one around here knows- or cares- that Old Man Gloom has been defeated once again. 

My platter has scratches on it, is a little chipped, but is entirely serviceable.  It’s nothing special- it’s an old Pfaltzgraff white platter with lines that hold a bowl, hold crackers in place, and goes with anything. It’s not worth much.  But its great values lies in its ability to help us keep old traditions and adopt new ones.

And so we munched and cheered, although Georgia lost, and I washed the old platter and put it away- but not buried deep in the cupboard.  It’ll be time to pull it out again soon.

From a school activity sheet:

I am special because: I am special because I am a gynast.  I can also be special because I like fashion, clothes and nail polish.  I am lucky because I have friends, a dog, and I can travel.  When I am biking, I feel special.  My besty friends also make me feel special.  My parents can make me special.  I can also be special because I have a house near the beach, the pool and the pier.  When I eat candy, I make myself special.  I am also sweet, nice, and lovable.  So I am special!

This just amuses me on so many levels… not the least is how her answers are so framed along what is socially acceptable for fourth grade.  Example- the candy remark.  She HATES candy…  And living by the beach- that is pretty special! 

Last Friday, I had a rather upsetting day- events that have no bearing to this blog, but still… I was upset.  Very upset.  I dropped Ray off at soccer practice and I took Bailey for a walk around the field.  I was walking to burn off steam; I was walking to process, and I was walking so that I would not sink into a morass of depression and anxiety.

Ray’s soccer field is a new one, and it’s a bit in the middle of nowhere.  Surrounded by scrub palms and live oaks, it’s a reclaimed bit of marsh land that while environmentally I’m sorry to see it built, as a soccer mom, it makes for a really lovely field.  I hadn’t really gone off the pitch before, and I realized as I headed out into the underbrush, I really didn’t know where I was going.  But that was all right- I really didn’t know where I was going in all senses of the word.

I was following a trail- and feeling the peace of the woods begin to sink into me.  A random blue jay would call, a woodpecker was hammering above me, and in the background I could hear the muffled shouts of the boys kicking the ball and the lower tones of the adults coaching them.  I was upset, but I was finding solace.

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately…” Thoreau

“The woods are lovely, dark and deep…” Frost

And magic happened.  Magic that doesn’t often exist in Southeastern Georgia.  Magic that is old and deep and rooted. I came upon a labyrinth built into the woods.  A small labyrinth, to be sure, but … A labyrinth.  Just off the soccer fields.

As stated in Lessons4Living.com,

We are all on the path… exactly where we need to be. The labyrinth is a model of that path.

A labyrinth is an ancient symbol that relates to wholeness. It combines the imagery of the circle and the spiral into a meandering but purposeful path. The Labyrinth represents a journey to our own center and back again out into the world. Labyrinths have long been used as meditation and prayer tools.

A labyrinth is an archetype with which we can have a direct experience. We can walk it. It is a metaphor for life’s journey. It is a symbol that creates a sacred space and place and takes us out of our ego to “That Which Is Within”.

A labyrinth with a little sign that said that it was planted and maintained by the Sea Island Ladies Garden Club.  Thank you, ladies…

Bailey and I walked the labyrinth, and I was struck at how much I needed to remember that life may turn and that life may double back on itself, but that I will always come back to where I need to be.

And just as I finished, I heard the subtle distant noise shift made when the practice was over and the boys were breaking up into social language, rather than sports talk, and I headed back to my life.

As a friend of mine said “That was no accident”… and indeed, it wasn’t.  I hope that everyone finds a labyrinth in the woods just when they need one.